It's 1:26a on Friday morning. I am currently debating on what to do: continue with this lecture or head to bed with the hopes of making up for lost time tomorrow. While the mountain of work is large and ever-growing before next Friday's pre-spring break exam, that shall not be the topic of the present post. I am inspired to share a few words about my amazing classmates.
There are certainly times when I must retreat and work at warp speed. Then, there are times when I need the company of others; when the thought of trudging along through the night without the companionship of like-minded colleagues is overwhelming and unappealing, to say the least. There are times when, despite the incessant work that seeks to consume all in its path, one allows oneself to let go and be ridiculous...almost to spite that work that just won't quit.
Tonight was such a night. It began well-intentioned enough with four of us hunkering down in a room at school around 8:30p. The tip tapping of keyboards could be faintly heard above my earphoned opera playing. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it (probably my friend Earl...who is Trouble with a capital "T"), but the next thing I know we are all turned AWAY from our work and talking and laughing about Lord only knows what. The laughter died down after a while, and the gravity of the work before us set in once again. Maybe we were taken down off of our high by asking a sobering "quizzing" question...one or two of us realize, "Darnit! I don't remember that lecture..." And one by one, we turn around and return to our respective tasks.
Almost like clockwork, someone says something off the wall, and laughter erupts again...we all turn around and the same scene unfolds...Press repeat.
At some point in the night, things deteriorated into spontaneous laughter. Then again, that was mostly with Rani...and then again, it never takes work-induced delirium to inspire such behavior!
There is a specialness to the delirium associated with being with your friends with too much work to do. The laughter is more satisfying because it is more indulgent, daring, delicious. To laugh in the face of it all is quite satisfying indeed. Medical school can get you down if you let it, and so to have friends with whom you can act a fool, be ridiculous, and laugh at yourself, is an invaluable blessing.
An important lesson of the night: you are never too old for knock-knock jokes...ahem, Hussan.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
saying yes through saying no.
Through conversations with several friends and through my own experiences, a relationship trend has emerged recently. The tendency to reach into the past and to cling to now phantasmagorical manifestations of once very much alive relationships cropped up in tandem for many in recent months. Was it the weather? The gloominess of winter whispering tricky logic into our ears? Was it a conversation or other communication that hinted at a change having taken place much grander than what actually might have occurred? Or, has this simply been the season of naive and whimsical hope in the belief that love truly does conquer-- and reform-- all? These and many other subtler factors must have simmered for a while to create a powerful concoction that dared whomever tasted its murky brew to reach out and attempt to reconnect with the apparition that is yesterday's love.
The whens, the hows, and the whys are not the topic of this post. More importantly, I think, is the what now? How does one quickly get back on track and keep it moving?
The answer is simple: just say "no"! One must make a conscious decision in one's heart to close the door and throw away the key. One must make a promise to oneself to take a stand against re-writing a chapter that will continue to end in the same way. The only way forward is FORWARD without any dilly-dallying. Chances are that, by now, the reasons for the diverging paths have been explored up-ways, down-ways, and sideways. In other words, there are very real and valid reasons the relationship is a thing of the past. Believe them. Believe them all. More than that, put the belief into action by consciously and deliberately putting the break on before coasting down a slippery slope towards unnecessary emotional drama and wasted energy. Just. Say. NO.
Belief in action is true faith. A situation such as this warrants faith in the belief that what is meant for you will reach you, and that what will reach you will be goodness intended specifically for you from The Creator. How can one receive such goodness when looking backwards? Unless you are Janus, that is a difficult feat, indeed!
I have said no, and I invite all others in similar situations to join me. It is a quiet, powerful move that depends only on one's own desires. Importantly, this decision is not conditional on what the other party brings forth whenever they desire to bring it forth. Recognize the situation for what it is, and make your decision to leave it alone.
Ask yourself if now is the time to choose the future and to live in a present unencumbered by thoughts of what has been and could be potentially be...if only. Shut the unproductive thoughts down, then stand up, and take a look around.
What you see stretching out in every direction is a universe of possibility. It is yours, and you have just said yes to it. Congratulations!
The whens, the hows, and the whys are not the topic of this post. More importantly, I think, is the what now? How does one quickly get back on track and keep it moving?
The answer is simple: just say "no"! One must make a conscious decision in one's heart to close the door and throw away the key. One must make a promise to oneself to take a stand against re-writing a chapter that will continue to end in the same way. The only way forward is FORWARD without any dilly-dallying. Chances are that, by now, the reasons for the diverging paths have been explored up-ways, down-ways, and sideways. In other words, there are very real and valid reasons the relationship is a thing of the past. Believe them. Believe them all. More than that, put the belief into action by consciously and deliberately putting the break on before coasting down a slippery slope towards unnecessary emotional drama and wasted energy. Just. Say. NO.
Belief in action is true faith. A situation such as this warrants faith in the belief that what is meant for you will reach you, and that what will reach you will be goodness intended specifically for you from The Creator. How can one receive such goodness when looking backwards? Unless you are Janus, that is a difficult feat, indeed!
I have said no, and I invite all others in similar situations to join me. It is a quiet, powerful move that depends only on one's own desires. Importantly, this decision is not conditional on what the other party brings forth whenever they desire to bring it forth. Recognize the situation for what it is, and make your decision to leave it alone.
Ask yourself if now is the time to choose the future and to live in a present unencumbered by thoughts of what has been and could be potentially be...if only. Shut the unproductive thoughts down, then stand up, and take a look around.
What you see stretching out in every direction is a universe of possibility. It is yours, and you have just said yes to it. Congratulations!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
rainy day reflections
Another Saturday rolls around and it's raining again. There is something reassuring and soothing about rainy Saturdays, maybe because I don't feel as bad about missing out on fun weekend activities due to the mounds of studying to be done. Studying or no, I would rather be comfortably at home in pj's on days like today.
The past week has been chocked full of learning, as per usual. As another week comes to a close I am left in shock once again at how quickly second year is flying by. The final exam for our first course arrives in just over a week. Wow.
While classes and small group were essentially a flashing freight train moving at the speed of light, two highlights stand out in the midst of all the craziness: pediatrics shadowing at the Pediatric Ambulatory Center housed at the School of Nursing and my physical exam teaching session.
Monday I donned the short white coat and draped my neck with my plum-colored stethoscope to attend the official physical examination teaching session with a trained "teaching associate." Until medical school, I had no idea this cadre of paid medical education personnel existed. Last year we were introduced to the paid teaching associates in the context of standardized patients. We students were tested in our patient interviewing skills with these actors given standardized chief complaints and patient histories. Our job was to extricate the clinical pearls that would hypothetically lead us to treat the patient appropriately. These actors quickly morphed into real patients as they played out the histories. The key to succeeding in these encounters was to treat it like it was real because they sure did. Two of my three encounters last year were darling patients, but one was a real piece of work. She clearly had a little too much fun playing the "difficult" patient because by the end I actually wanted to strangle her. LOL. Fortunately, the timer went off and her life was spared.
Back to the current experience...the paid actors this time were there to guide in the art and science of the head to toe physical. Initially, I felt mildly uncomfortable because the interaction seemed so skewed in its power dynamic. I could not stop myself from wondering what this person's background was, how he ended up on this particular career path. Do not get me wrong: he was amazing and knowledgeable and extremely relevant in his instruction. At the same time, my heart ached at the thought of a loved one of mine performing the job...particularly during uncomfortable maneuvers like the liver and thyroid palpations. Every time I did something that inside made me cringe a little, I couldn't stop myself from asking (perhaps to his embarrassment) "Are you okay? I'm sorry if that hurt..." His reaction seemed surprised when I expressed that, and I almost felt bad for having said anything. It just felt...right?
Outside of the above, I found the experience incredibly rewarding. We were really able to focus on elements of the exam that I had not practiced before, and that I was actually able to put into practice just two short days later when I was in the Peds Clinic. I was palpating submandibular, submental, suboccipital, supraclavicular lymph nodes (to name a few...there are sooo many), visualizing ear drums, checking reflexes, listening to heart and lung sounds, and palpating abdomens like there was no tomorrow! Surprisingly, the children were all great sports and allowed "Dr. Qadira" (as I was hilariously introduced by the doctor I was shadowing) to check them out! It is amazing how varied the clinical cases are even in the context of a primary peds clinic (where all the kids were scheduled primarily for Flumist vaccines). Goes to show there is almost *always* something going on of concern to parents and perhaps even of medical significance amongst the kiddie population. The time flew by and I left kind of high from the excitement of the four hours.
I am very excited for the clinical component of second year because I am definitely a hands-on learner.
Back to the books, I go, while the rain is still falling.
The past week has been chocked full of learning, as per usual. As another week comes to a close I am left in shock once again at how quickly second year is flying by. The final exam for our first course arrives in just over a week. Wow.
While classes and small group were essentially a flashing freight train moving at the speed of light, two highlights stand out in the midst of all the craziness: pediatrics shadowing at the Pediatric Ambulatory Center housed at the School of Nursing and my physical exam teaching session.
Monday I donned the short white coat and draped my neck with my plum-colored stethoscope to attend the official physical examination teaching session with a trained "teaching associate." Until medical school, I had no idea this cadre of paid medical education personnel existed. Last year we were introduced to the paid teaching associates in the context of standardized patients. We students were tested in our patient interviewing skills with these actors given standardized chief complaints and patient histories. Our job was to extricate the clinical pearls that would hypothetically lead us to treat the patient appropriately. These actors quickly morphed into real patients as they played out the histories. The key to succeeding in these encounters was to treat it like it was real because they sure did. Two of my three encounters last year were darling patients, but one was a real piece of work. She clearly had a little too much fun playing the "difficult" patient because by the end I actually wanted to strangle her. LOL. Fortunately, the timer went off and her life was spared.
Back to the current experience...the paid actors this time were there to guide in the art and science of the head to toe physical. Initially, I felt mildly uncomfortable because the interaction seemed so skewed in its power dynamic. I could not stop myself from wondering what this person's background was, how he ended up on this particular career path. Do not get me wrong: he was amazing and knowledgeable and extremely relevant in his instruction. At the same time, my heart ached at the thought of a loved one of mine performing the job...particularly during uncomfortable maneuvers like the liver and thyroid palpations. Every time I did something that inside made me cringe a little, I couldn't stop myself from asking (perhaps to his embarrassment) "Are you okay? I'm sorry if that hurt..." His reaction seemed surprised when I expressed that, and I almost felt bad for having said anything. It just felt...right?
Outside of the above, I found the experience incredibly rewarding. We were really able to focus on elements of the exam that I had not practiced before, and that I was actually able to put into practice just two short days later when I was in the Peds Clinic. I was palpating submandibular, submental, suboccipital, supraclavicular lymph nodes (to name a few...there are sooo many), visualizing ear drums, checking reflexes, listening to heart and lung sounds, and palpating abdomens like there was no tomorrow! Surprisingly, the children were all great sports and allowed "Dr. Qadira" (as I was hilariously introduced by the doctor I was shadowing) to check them out! It is amazing how varied the clinical cases are even in the context of a primary peds clinic (where all the kids were scheduled primarily for Flumist vaccines). Goes to show there is almost *always* something going on of concern to parents and perhaps even of medical significance amongst the kiddie population. The time flew by and I left kind of high from the excitement of the four hours.
I am very excited for the clinical component of second year because I am definitely a hands-on learner.
Back to the books, I go, while the rain is still falling.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
when people take themselves too seriously: graduate school student government
This Ramadan I began attending the iftars on campus regularly. After the four weeks of meeting and greeting students from other schools, faculty, and other affiliated persons, I was fingered to get more involved with the leadership of the MSSA (Muslim Students and Scholars Association...yes, ::chortle, chortle:: we are schoooolars in grad school). Now, I was nearing the end of my three-month planning for CommUNITYFest Health Fair, the project I was chairing as Community Service Chair for SNMA (Student National Medical Association...the organization for the chocolate med students and their allies)--and so not interested in taking on any more responsibility at the time. So I jumped at becoming USGA Senator for MSSA, instead of taking up a position on the Elected Board for MSSA. I thought, how bad could one meeting a month + free dinner (which is catnip for all hungry students) be? Let's just say, I was wrong.
First off, we have been in school for 2 months and have already met 4 times. One meeting/month, eh? Second off, with all of the self-aggrandizement, superciliousness, and outrageous commentary infecting the airspace in those meeting, it's always a miracle that I am able to keep down those delicious, delicious meals they feed us (fortunately, since they are very delicious & always amply proportioned). Thirdly, I am in medical school. I *always* have studying to do and *always* feel irritated when *someone else* is standing in the way of me getting that done (of course, *Qadira* standing in the way of me studying is another story altogether). The meetings have lasted, on average, 3.5 hours (minimum 3h, maximum 4.5h). ::Gag::
It is impossible to give a play by play of the appalling things I have heard during these curious gatherings, but I will share some highlights.
Latest funding meeting, where we vote on various organizations' appropriations for the semester:
* "C'mon guys, voting to halve their funding doesn't mean you hate homeless people!" (actually, in this circumstance where we were voting to fund a community service organization that feeds homeless people weekly, it kind of does)
* "The State of Maryland has more money than we do, so why don't *they* spend their money on the homeless, and we can spend ours on real services for students." (Yes, and our "real services for students" would involve sponsoring yet another booze night at the Campus Center. Top priority.)
*"Do we have anyone from the Chinese Students Association here?" (as the individual looked directly at the only Chinese student in our midst, who very well could have been from the Law Students' Association...he was lucky *this* time!)
* Question: "I don't understand how this event is relevant for other schools." (In response to an event on exploring the use of race in film...) Answer, from event organizer: "Unless you attend a school of only one race, then, yes, this event would be relevant to all schools..." (He went on to break it down in very clear, yet diplomatic words.)
*"So...let me get this straight. This was *just* a health fair?" (Woman, fellow Senator, during my funding defense of CommUNITYFest). I replied: "Actually, it is the largest, annual student-run health fair on campus that just completed its 7th year, and served over 400 Baltimore residents with critical health screenings and health information...so, yes, it was *a* health fair..."
More than the ridiculous comments and saucy attitudes, are the dynamics between the President and pretty much everyone else. To say he is on a high horse does not begin to describe just how high his horse sits. LOL. No qualms asking a question, then interrupting exactly 15 seconds later, well before the person has taken the gulp of air required to form the words to answer the question. He looooves reminding us that he is the *sole*, the *special*, the *one lucky* student on the selection committee for the new UMB campus President. He'd be like, I would like to share more information with you guys about the process and the applicants...but I can't because it's a closed process, and, you know, I'm the only student involved. ::chortle, chortle::
There is a lot of chortling. And a lot of needless ire. Are people really that irritable and testy? During this latest meeting, I found myself getting irritated and being a lot sassier than the situation really necessitated by the end of the meeting. I don't like who I become during the Senate meetings!!! haha. My friend was teasing me about my tone as I replied to the above woman's flippish question about it being "just" a health fair. lol. I need to work on keeping my cool, even when others are throwing fire at each other. It is definitely a challenge, especially when the fire comes whisking by, a little too close to one's face for comfort.
I will strive to work on that! Speaking of working, I should get back to studying these parasitic worms. Yes, they are as disgusting as they sound. Maybe even more so!
Much love! And, by this newest entry, I think it is safe to say, that I am back in the blogosphere.
First off, we have been in school for 2 months and have already met 4 times. One meeting/month, eh? Second off, with all of the self-aggrandizement, superciliousness, and outrageous commentary infecting the airspace in those meeting, it's always a miracle that I am able to keep down those delicious, delicious meals they feed us (fortunately, since they are very delicious & always amply proportioned). Thirdly, I am in medical school. I *always* have studying to do and *always* feel irritated when *someone else* is standing in the way of me getting that done (of course, *Qadira* standing in the way of me studying is another story altogether). The meetings have lasted, on average, 3.5 hours (minimum 3h, maximum 4.5h). ::Gag::
It is impossible to give a play by play of the appalling things I have heard during these curious gatherings, but I will share some highlights.
Latest funding meeting, where we vote on various organizations' appropriations for the semester:
* "C'mon guys, voting to halve their funding doesn't mean you hate homeless people!" (actually, in this circumstance where we were voting to fund a community service organization that feeds homeless people weekly, it kind of does)
* "The State of Maryland has more money than we do, so why don't *they* spend their money on the homeless, and we can spend ours on real services for students." (Yes, and our "real services for students" would involve sponsoring yet another booze night at the Campus Center. Top priority.)
*"Do we have anyone from the Chinese Students Association here?" (as the individual looked directly at the only Chinese student in our midst, who very well could have been from the Law Students' Association...he was lucky *this* time!)
* Question: "I don't understand how this event is relevant for other schools." (In response to an event on exploring the use of race in film...) Answer, from event organizer: "Unless you attend a school of only one race, then, yes, this event would be relevant to all schools..." (He went on to break it down in very clear, yet diplomatic words.)
*"So...let me get this straight. This was *just* a health fair?" (Woman, fellow Senator, during my funding defense of CommUNITYFest). I replied: "Actually, it is the largest, annual student-run health fair on campus that just completed its 7th year, and served over 400 Baltimore residents with critical health screenings and health information...so, yes, it was *a* health fair..."
More than the ridiculous comments and saucy attitudes, are the dynamics between the President and pretty much everyone else. To say he is on a high horse does not begin to describe just how high his horse sits. LOL. No qualms asking a question, then interrupting exactly 15 seconds later, well before the person has taken the gulp of air required to form the words to answer the question. He looooves reminding us that he is the *sole*, the *special*, the *one lucky* student on the selection committee for the new UMB campus President. He'd be like, I would like to share more information with you guys about the process and the applicants...but I can't because it's a closed process, and, you know, I'm the only student involved. ::chortle, chortle::
There is a lot of chortling. And a lot of needless ire. Are people really that irritable and testy? During this latest meeting, I found myself getting irritated and being a lot sassier than the situation really necessitated by the end of the meeting. I don't like who I become during the Senate meetings!!! haha. My friend was teasing me about my tone as I replied to the above woman's flippish question about it being "just" a health fair. lol. I need to work on keeping my cool, even when others are throwing fire at each other. It is definitely a challenge, especially when the fire comes whisking by, a little too close to one's face for comfort.
I will strive to work on that! Speaking of working, I should get back to studying these parasitic worms. Yes, they are as disgusting as they sound. Maybe even more so!
Much love! And, by this newest entry, I think it is safe to say, that I am back in the blogosphere.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
12.5% closer to graduation...
Seven more days until the end of first semester of medical school. One down, 7 more to go. That is 12.5% of my medical school career OVER. AMAZING!
wine and cheese.
Tonight was one of those rites of passage nights. One of those nights where your future flashes before your eyes. One of those nights when you start to get a whiff of what you've signed up for.
Tonight I had to attend a dinner function honoring the founder of an extra-curricular psychiatry program of which I am now a participant. The majority of the first year participants were in attendance, so that was good. What was not good was the challenge at hand: navigate a room full of mostly older white men sipping on their bottles of beer/glasses of wine. Before jumping to, "what's the big deal?" ask yourself when you were last outnumbered so wholly in terms of gender, age, race, and culture? I was not socialized in the stand around sipping on your alcoholic beverage of choice culture. I am not a particularly big fan of trivial small talk, either. I am even less of a fan of disingenuous conversation with people who would normally not give me the time of day were I to cross them in any other social setting. So I struggle to justify why we must force ourselves together in this artificial one.
I know that this is just the beginning and that I will necessary have to make more of an effort, lest I be pegged the self-isolationist who cannot cope with her double (sometimes triple) "minority" status. I am human and I am allowing myself this moment of feeling and reflection. And at this particular moment, I just wish that the path towards genuine human interaction at these functions was a little less cumbersome.
Oh, professional school.
Tonight I had to attend a dinner function honoring the founder of an extra-curricular psychiatry program of which I am now a participant. The majority of the first year participants were in attendance, so that was good. What was not good was the challenge at hand: navigate a room full of mostly older white men sipping on their bottles of beer/glasses of wine. Before jumping to, "what's the big deal?" ask yourself when you were last outnumbered so wholly in terms of gender, age, race, and culture? I was not socialized in the stand around sipping on your alcoholic beverage of choice culture. I am not a particularly big fan of trivial small talk, either. I am even less of a fan of disingenuous conversation with people who would normally not give me the time of day were I to cross them in any other social setting. So I struggle to justify why we must force ourselves together in this artificial one.
I know that this is just the beginning and that I will necessary have to make more of an effort, lest I be pegged the self-isolationist who cannot cope with her double (sometimes triple) "minority" status. I am human and I am allowing myself this moment of feeling and reflection. And at this particular moment, I just wish that the path towards genuine human interaction at these functions was a little less cumbersome.
Oh, professional school.
Monday, May 19, 2008
let's go on a livin spree...the best things in life are free..
I want to live fearlessly. A dear friend of mine advised me to live in such a way, unapologetically me, without as much as a thought as to what others may think. This advice comes as a part of a greater philosophy to be compassionate and "spacious" towards oneself, meaning that one gives oneself a supportive environment in which to grow and develop spiritually. Often times, we are our own worst critics...and this tendency can do so much more to impede positive growth than the negative words of outsiders. A wonderful book I recently finished, "The Fragrance of Faith" by Jamal Rahman, beautifully describes spaciousness of self as a veritable prerequisite to seeking closeness with our Creator (achieved through deliberately tending to personal habits that anchor us to the mundane, when we could be soaring...).
Also related to the idea of fearless living is the concept of "shirk", or associating partners with the Sublime One. If one either chooses to do or to avoid doing a particular action because of overwhelming concern about how it may be received by others, that action ceases to be "fi sabil Allah." Anything done solely for the pleasure of a creation and not the Creator loses its positive potential and the actor loses out on the blessing of the act. Additionally, the actor risks slipping down into dangerous territory...
One who has her Lord has everything...with this particular orientation any- and everything else seems wholly accessory and dispensable. Public opinion is a wanton beast and very rarely is one popular for long, especially when speaking/living in pursuit of Truth & Justice. To cease to be sensitive to the fickle nature of public opinion, but rather to concern oneself with the pleasure of the Lord of the Worlds ensures a deeply placed peace and personal contentment. An internal, unshakeable zen, a balance impossible to upset. I am striving towards this balance...
In a way, self-consciousness is shirk. What more is self-consciousness besides the crazed concern with how one may be regarded by others? *even if the concern is subconsciously rooted* One must have faith in the beautiful creation of which one is an integral part...and appreciate the wisdom of the Creator for having produced oneself. Open up and live unapologetically. Live fearlessly. Live with God-consciousness, not self-consciousness. What an overwhelmingly better way to live...
*love*
Also related to the idea of fearless living is the concept of "shirk", or associating partners with the Sublime One. If one either chooses to do or to avoid doing a particular action because of overwhelming concern about how it may be received by others, that action ceases to be "fi sabil Allah." Anything done solely for the pleasure of a creation and not the Creator loses its positive potential and the actor loses out on the blessing of the act. Additionally, the actor risks slipping down into dangerous territory...
One who has her Lord has everything...with this particular orientation any- and everything else seems wholly accessory and dispensable. Public opinion is a wanton beast and very rarely is one popular for long, especially when speaking/living in pursuit of Truth & Justice. To cease to be sensitive to the fickle nature of public opinion, but rather to concern oneself with the pleasure of the Lord of the Worlds ensures a deeply placed peace and personal contentment. An internal, unshakeable zen, a balance impossible to upset. I am striving towards this balance...
In a way, self-consciousness is shirk. What more is self-consciousness besides the crazed concern with how one may be regarded by others? *even if the concern is subconsciously rooted* One must have faith in the beautiful creation of which one is an integral part...and appreciate the wisdom of the Creator for having produced oneself. Open up and live unapologetically. Live fearlessly. Live with God-consciousness, not self-consciousness. What an overwhelmingly better way to live...
*love*
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