12.5% closer to graduation...

Seven more days until the end of first semester of medical school. One down, 7 more to go. That is 12.5% of my medical school career OVER. AMAZING!

wine and cheese.

Tonight was one of those rites of passage nights. One of those nights where your future flashes before your eyes. One of those nights when you start to get a whiff of what you've signed up for.

Tonight I had to attend a dinner function honoring the founder of an extra-curricular psychiatry program of which I am now a participant. The majority of the first year participants were in attendance, so that was good. What was not good was the challenge at hand: navigate a room full of mostly older white men sipping on their bottles of beer/glasses of wine. Before jumping to, "what's the big deal?" ask yourself when you were last outnumbered so wholly in terms of gender, age, race, and culture? I was not socialized in the stand around sipping on your alcoholic beverage of choice culture. I am not a particularly big fan of trivial small talk, either. I am even less of a fan of disingenuous conversation with people who would normally not give me the time of day were I to cross them in any other social setting. So I struggle to justify why we must force ourselves together in this artificial one.

I know that this is just the beginning and that I will necessary have to make more of an effort, lest I be pegged the self-isolationist who cannot cope with her double (sometimes triple) "minority" status. I am human and I am allowing myself this moment of feeling and reflection. And at this particular moment, I just wish that the path towards genuine human interaction at these functions was a little less cumbersome.

Oh, professional school.

let's go on a livin spree...the best things in life are free..

I want to live fearlessly. A dear friend of mine advised me to live in such a way, unapologetically me, without as much as a thought as to what others may think. This advice comes as a part of a greater philosophy to be compassionate and "spacious" towards oneself, meaning that one gives oneself a supportive environment in which to grow and develop spiritually. Often times, we are our own worst critics...and this tendency can do so much more to impede positive growth than the negative words of outsiders. A wonderful book I recently finished, "The Fragrance of Faith" by Jamal Rahman, beautifully describes spaciousness of self as a veritable prerequisite to seeking closeness with our Creator (achieved through deliberately tending to personal habits that anchor us to the mundane, when we could be soaring...).

Also related to the idea of fearless living is the concept of "shirk", or associating partners with the Sublime One. If one either chooses to do or to avoid doing a particular action because of overwhelming concern about how it may be received by others, that action ceases to be "fi sabil Allah." Anything done solely for the pleasure of a creation and not the Creator loses its positive potential and the actor loses out on the blessing of the act. Additionally, the actor risks slipping down into dangerous territory...

One who has her Lord has everything...with this particular orientation any- and everything else seems wholly accessory and dispensable. Public opinion is a wanton beast and very rarely is one popular for long, especially when speaking/living in pursuit of Truth & Justice. To cease to be sensitive to the fickle nature of public opinion, but rather to concern oneself with the pleasure of the Lord of the Worlds ensures a deeply placed peace and personal contentment. An internal, unshakeable zen, a balance impossible to upset. I am striving towards this balance...

In a way, self-consciousness is shirk. What more is self-consciousness besides the crazed concern with how one may be regarded by others? *even if the concern is subconsciously rooted* One must have faith in the beautiful creation of which one is an integral part...and appreciate the wisdom of the Creator for having produced oneself. Open up and live unapologetically. Live fearlessly. Live with God-consciousness, not self-consciousness. What an overwhelmingly better way to live...

*love*

Here we go...again.

Today I made an agreement with myself. I agreed to begin making more of an effort to be a finisher, not just a starter. This self-reflective agreement stems from a growing discontentment with my overall M.O. I am an excitable individual. New ideas, new activities, new people really rev my engine...but all too often the excitement peters out and I am left in the frustrating darkness of non completion, non-mastery, lack of depth and substance of my understanding. I am left with a few discrete experiences that were superficially exciting, but without the magical feeling of accomplishment or achievement that comes with throwing oneself into something with 110%.

Whether in my personal or professional life, one habit that I vow to actively nurture is immediate action. Procrastination is at the root of this scourge on my life. Procrastination AND poorly executed multitasking. Very poorly executed multitasking. My consistent yet crazy attempts to do too many things at once undermine my already deficient finishing skills.

For example, my stubborn insistence on reading 6 books at once. When is the last time I FINISHED a book? Each new book I encounter has me salivating to crack it open...and I do each and every time. After the first few chapters, I inevitably put it down and swap it out with the next saliva-inducing read. And it's not like I'm reading salacious page-turners...these are non-fiction! ( Hmm...what WAS the last book I actually finished? I think it was The Prophet...or maybe Smart Women Finish Rich). Issues of social justice, pause-worthy ideas, self-discovery and -betterment, phenomena, universal mysteries and Truths...these are buzz words that I simply find irresistible. If I encounter a book that speaks to any aspect of the above, I am weak in the knees. And now you see my dilemma...since that covers just about EVERYTHING! haha.

My thirst for the new, the edgy, the exciting will not disappear. I can, however, focus my scattered light energy into a sharper beam. It's like my personal light is being shone through a prism, splitting into all its constituent colors and scattering every which way. It is a nice show, but it is a bit chaotic. I cannot pretend to not like a bit of chaos and disorder...in following the lead of the Universe, which itself inherently moves towards higher entropy, or disorder. Humans seek to harness their penchant for the unbridled with our rules and systems and laws. In best case scenarios, imposed "order" may produce efficiency (I'm an optimist; however, the realist in me recognizes the possibility of iron-fisted oppression as an outcome). In light of this potential benefit of moderate harnessing, I am re-dedicating myself to the imposition of more order in the court of my life.

I still value my earnestness and excitability...I just need it to be tethered to the pole of reality, in order to get the job (any job) done. For the love of God...

That's my story and I'm sticking to it...for now!

*love*